Why Women Are Crabby

We started to 'bud' in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find that anything that came in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurt so bad it brought us to tears. So came the ridiculously uncomfortable training bra contraption that the boys in school would snap until we had calluses on our backs.


Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner). Along with those budding boobs, we blo ated, we cramped, we got the hormone crankies, had to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn't even know we had.

Our next little rite of passage was having sex for the first time which was about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils (IF he did it right and didn't end up with his little cart before his horse), leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about.


Then it was off to Motherhood where we learned to live on dry crackers and water for a few months so we didn't spend the entire day leaning over Brother John Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we learned to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wond er if we were preparing to have Rosemary's Baby.



Our once flat bellies looked like we swallowed a whole watermelon and we pee'd our pants every time we sneezed. When the big moment arrived, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions invariably burst right in the middle of the mall and we had to waddle, with our big cartoon feet, moaning in pain all the way to the ER.





Then it was huff and puff and beg to die while the OB says, 'Please stop screaming, Mrs. Hearmeroar . Calm down and push. 'Just one more good push' (more like 10), warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch the
%$#*@*#!* hubby and doctor square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed 10 pound bowling ball through a keyhole.


After that, it was time to raise those angels only to find that when all that 'cute' wears off, the beautiful little darlings morphed into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines.






Then come their 'Teen Years.' Need I say more?





When the kids are almo st grown, we women hit our voracious sexual prime in our early 40's - while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th birthday.


So we progress into the grand finale: 'The Menopause,' the Grandmother of all womanhood. It's either take HRT and chance cancer in those now seasoned 'buds' or the aforementioned Nether Regions, or, sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything that moves.


Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men, when men get off so easy, INCLUDING the icing on life's cake: Being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks...


So, while I love being a woman, 'Womanhood' would make the Great Gandhi a tad crabby. You think women are the 'weaker sex?' Yeah right. Bite me.

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised. He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning,
beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me". Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape. Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he
discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years." The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, your ass is mine." He lost 63 pounds that week.

THINGS THAT ARE
> >
> > *DIFFICULT* TO SAY WHEN DRUNK
> > 
> > 1. Innovative
> > 
> > 2. Preliminary
> > 
> > 3. Proliferation
> > 
> > 4. Cinnamon
> > 
> >
> > THINGS THAT ARE
> > *VERY DIFFICULT* TO SAY WHEN DRUNK
> >  
> > 1. Specificity
> > 
> > 2. Anti-constitutionalistically
> > 
> > 3. Passive-aggressive disorder
> > 
> > 4. Transubstantiate
> > 
> > THINGS THAT ARE *DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE* TO SAY WHEN
> > DRUNK
> > 
> > 1. No thanks, I'm married.
> > 
> > 2. Nope, no more booze for me!
> > 
> > 3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
> > 
> > 4. Taco Bell ? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
> > 
> > 5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
> > 
> > 6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing
> > karaoke.
> > 
> > 7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
> > 
> > 8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I
> > have no coordination; I'd hate to look like a fool!
> > 
> > 9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in
> > this parking lot or on the side of the road.
> > 
> > 10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the
> > morning.

A guy walks in and sits down at the end of the bar.
Just a few seats down  from him, there is a very buxom blonde with huge size 44DD breasts.


The guy orders a beer. The bartender fills the mug and slides it down
the bar. It hits the lady's boobs and splashes all over them. The
bartender goes over, retrieves the mug and licks the beer off the blonde.

Each time he calls for a beer this happens.

So after his third beer, he decides to help the bartender out.
The next time the bartender hits her boobs, the man jumps up and starts to lick her breasts...AND SHE DECKS HIM!!!

He's laying on the floor moaning and groaning, 'Jeez...then why do you
let  the bartender do it?'



'Because,' says the blonde, 'he has a licker license!'

After a hardy rainstorm filled all the potholes in the streets and alleys,

a young mother watched her two little boys playing in the puddle through her

kitchen window.

The older of the two, a five year old lad, grabbed his sibling by the back of his

head and shoved his face into the water hole.

As the boy recovered and stood laughing and dripping, the mother runs to the

yard in a panic.

' Why on earth did you do that to your little brother?!' she asks as she shook

the older boy in anger.

'We were just playing 'church' mommy, ' he said.

'And I was just baptizing him.....in the name of the Father, the Son and in...the

hole-he-goes.'