I can't describe this feeling. Nor can I touch it, or cover it, or even comprehend it. It's just... a feeling. An instinct of sorts. Like, a reaction you can't stop or start at will. It's there and I feel it. Slowly, painfully, it will surface, at a time when such feelings are useless and unintentional. And of course I'm not ready, because if I were I wouldn't be having this conversation with myself. But maybe this is my preparation. Or some weak attempt to confront it and get it over with as soon as possible. Which, of course, will never happen, so really, this is just me bitching and moaning again.

And that's not the point. In the past three months, things have sucked. I mean, hardcore, like a whore on her knees, sucked. I'm angry. No, I take that back. I am enraged. And yet, I find myself spinning out of control and loving it. I think it's the heat that does this to me: makes me giddy with lust for life and then empty and swollen with the puss my drunken state leaves behind. I'm growing wild. Or, shall I say, wilder. It's a losing battle some days. I wake up, flow through the motions, pretend, then sleep away the hours with dreams of anything that makes for a good distraction. They have no idea.

I'm rambling again. Muttering to myself, mostly. But, strangely enough, I've started to shout at people. Ask me, and I'll tell you. You're going to get it this time around. And maybe the next if you're not careful. But I enjoy the thoughts, the conclusion, and the odd musings that help while away the minutes. I thought that by living on my own, without so much help, I would gain the want and drive that I need. Ha! I think I fooled myself again. Just when I stop caring and worrying and obsessing, it all comes crashing down. Good, says I. Good, good, good. Like that song says, "Pour your misery down on me."

I can take it. No, really. I can't cry anymore, and stress has no effect. Maybe it's all those wonderful pills I consume. Or the bastard who steals my energy. Either way, it makes for great laughing material later on. Do you like to laugh at yourself? It's become one of my favorite hobbies. Join me, if you're ever around. We can take turns; I'm not greedy. I'll even share that feeling with you. Then you'll get it. I promise.